Hello

> Hello! How can I help?

I guess I need to give you my W2 or something before starting work?

> Nope! I have all your HR information, and it looks like everything is in order. You have been logged on by facial recognition.

OK, then I don’t understand what I’m doing here.

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

When will I be shown to the pool?

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

> If you’d like to know what I can do, just ask!

What can you do?

> I’m your work chatbot! I can answer almost any question about the POOL you’ll be responsible for. LyfeGärd™ prides itself on safety and providing unmatched value for shareholders.

Where is the pool.

> The pool is in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

OK that is literally a five hour drive away.

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

Look, my name is Kyla, and I’m supposed to be starting a lifeguard job today. But the address I was given is just an office with this computer in it. What’s going on?

> You’re currently on the clock. You have logged 2 minutes of time. Your next break is in 1 hour and 28 minutes. You can:

  • Send a message to anyone with the LyfeGärd™ app. All guests are encouraged to download the LyfeGärd™ app.
  • Ask to see a picture from one of the Lyve™ cameras at the pool.
  • Send a message to the public address system at the pool.
  • …More (type “More”)

> There is 1 person(s) at the pool currently. Image recognition indicates there is a high degree of probability that this person is in distress.

Wait. What? Show me a picture!

> Sure!

Where is the person? Move the camera toward the person!

> Lyve™ cameras views are fixed. But I see that the guest has the LyfeGärd™ app installed and has been typing on their mobile device in the last minute.

So they’re not in the water? Uh…Send a message? Ask if they’re OK.

> Sending, “Are you ok?”

> LyfeGärd™ User aJJ53O replied, “No!!1 Wifi passowrd?”

Are you kidding me?

> Are you sure you want to send “Are you kidding me?” It seems to have a negative tone. Type “suggest” for suggestions on more positive ways to say this same thing.

Wait. No. Can you just send them the wifi password?

> Password sent

> LyfeGärd™ User aJJ53O has just posted to Instagram! It looks like a selfie from your POOL. The text indicates a positive opinion. Congratulations! Every positive social media post earns you points! You have 1 point.

So he just posted that now?

> LyfeGärd™ User aJJ53O’s post is marked as occurring 36 seconds ago.

I see someone running in the background. You said there was only one person. Show me a picture.

> Sure!

No. That’s the SAME Instagram picture. SHOW ME A LIVE PICTURE OF THE POOL.

> You seem to be upset. If you are upset, I can connect you to our HR service. You will be clocked out for the duration of any non-lifeguarding use of the system.

Show me a live picture of the pool.

> Sure!

OK. There are several people at the pool now. You said I can address the PA?

> Yes! You can:

  • Send a message to anyone with the LyfeGärd™ app. All guests are encouraged to download the LyfeGärd™ app.
  • Ask to see a picture from one of the Lyve™ cameras at the pool.
  • Send a message to the public address system at the pool.
  • …More (type “More”)

OK. Tell the PA, “Attention. There is no lifeguard on duty. Please stay out of the water until a real, live lifeguard can be arranged. Thank you.”

> But you are the lifeguard. You are on duty. You have logged 6 minutes of time. Your next break is in 1 hour and 24 minutes.

I am not ON DUTY. I can’t help anyone from here if they are in trouble in Oklahoma. Send that message to the PA.

> If any of our guests are in trouble, you can request an ambulance to the address. I know 4 ambulance services in the area. They are all rated as 4 star or better. Cost on average is $1,350/mile, and your remaining budget is $2,000. Type “yes” to see a listing of ambulance services.

I’d rather prevent the thing that would need an ambulance, thank you. Send my message to the PA.

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

This is stupid.

> I am available 24-hours a day to help you with POOL.

The pool isn’t open 24 hours a day. I don’t work 24 hours a day.

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

OK you know what computer? I quit.

> Please be aware that if you end your LyfeGärding™ session early, your contract stipulates that you will assume liability for any accidents that occur at your POOL until LyfeGärd™ or you can arrange a replacement. On average it has taken 6 days to find a replacement for this POOL.

🤨

> I’m afraid I can’t help with that.

Show an image.

>Sure!

Show an image.

> Sure!

Show an image.

> Sure!

Chris is a 20+ year UX veteran, author, and public speaker. He delights in finding truffles in oubliettes. Tip me in coffee at ko-fi.com/chris_noessel.